An open letter to my X

(I am officially screwed. There goes Christmas. Shit. There goes, EVERYTHING. Without getting too into detail, suffice it to say that the X has struck again. A click of his mouse, and $1500 gone from my world. There's another $1000 floating around that I may or may not eventually receive also.)

Sergio,

Have you completely lost your fucking mind? Have you finally eaten enough pills and swallowed enough booze that your last brain cell fled into the herpes infested night? You are a pathetic moron, and it is my deepest hope that one day you wake up and find the world has left you in a puddle of your own feces and vomit.

I was on track. Doing SO well, and finally proud of myself for being a GOOD single Mom, for not being one of those women who rely on the knight in shining armor to come in and save me. Then you took it all away. Why? What happened? How did you go from wanting to fix our marriage to financially destroying the Mother of your child without so much as an email exchanged between us?

This has been harder than I ever expected. Moving into a home as the only provider for my children, setting us up in this town where we're strangers, being alone every day because my kids come first...and I've fought every step of the way to keep good food on the table, shampoo & soap in the bathrooms, and shoes on my babies feet. There have been days where I've wanted to give up. Just wanted it all to go away because I didn't feel strong enough to face the next mountain, but damn you...I DID IT. Half the time with no car, and 3/4 without a phone. What have you gone without???

Every time I have managed to speak to you, you're coming back from Best Buy, Hatch Cover, Chili's, Rick & Amy's. I haven't once complained. Or called you out for being a selfish son of a bitch. But this takes the cake. You have stolen from my children. Your OWN daughter. And you didn't just screw up Christmas this time.. This time you've screwed it all. It wasn't just money Sergio. It was our LIFE. Our rent, bills, and yes, our Christmas also.

I'm done. I can't even think anymore to write. I think my mind may be taking an unauthorized vacation.

Can you help someone in your community?

This is a really neat website geared towards directing people who WANT to help, towards those who NEED the help.
I'm really going insane because my kitty is still missing, so I'm not going to write a poignant post which will made you froth over with desire to get off your duff & get out there in your neighborhood and FIND someone to help.
What I am going to say is, 'Tis the Season'...If we can't find it in our hearts right now to give a little of ourselves to someone more down on their luck that we are..then all hope is lost.
Now, I'm going to go bury myself in the kitchen. Banana bread, fudge, & cinnamon candy will help me pass the time until Tigie decides to grace my world with his presence again. And, yes..I'm making this crap to give to someone. There is a church behind my house, and I'm hoping the pastor will help me get it to a soup kitchen somewhere. Don't laugh. Homeless people like cinnamon candy too.

Bettie Page

The Notorious Bettie Page. Do you know who she is? Do you know that she has suffered with mental illness her entire life? In her late 50's she was jailed for stabbing her roommate (and 2 other people at an earlier date) while claiming that God told her to do so. Although, with the changes in paparazzi, news, & publications, that little fact is much lesser known by the general public, and came to light after so many had forgotten her already.

Bettie Page (or Betty Page as she was legally known)changed the world of pin-up models. She was the first S&M model, and as such gained the attention of the government. After a ban on such prints, most photos of Bettie during that time were destroyed.

Sometime yesterday, I believe, Ms. Page slipped into a coma. Her time here is almost over, and yet her story is still unknown. "The Real Bettie Page: The Truth about the Queen of Pinups" is an unauthorized account of Bettie's life. Though, more truthful (most believe) than the ones she did approve. It is a dark story, told almost in a way that makes you want to dislike the woman.

How many women go through life with mental illness and nothing is done? Either because they are afraid to speak about their feelings, or because they are unaware that the things they feel aren't normal. Bettie Page was flocked by minders who claimed to have her best interests at heart, yet she was still able to stab a woman 40 times because, 'God told her to'.

That was 40 years ago. Mental illness was much lesser known. And, there was a much larger stigma attached to it. That stigma is still there, and it's our fault.
Every time we look at someone and dismiss them as a nut, or a whackjob, or a loon...we are widening the gap. Every woman that hears the words, "You're Crazy!" while she's reeling from emotions even she can't understand, is broken a little bit more. We just took away another chance to help her.

Talk to the people around you. Do you have a friend that you think is dealing with something a little deeper than the usual crap life throws at us? Remind her that your phone works 24/7, Show up at her doorstep with a couple starbucks & a deck of cards, send her an email that doesn't include the header, "FWD". But most of all, simply show her that you have a shoulder for her to cry on and when she says she needs help..Do Something. Don't give up if she does, and she may, hiding and denial are part of the disease. Fight for your friend. You may be the only one doing so.

I need your good thoughts...

My kitty is missing. I know, to some, it seems silly to get so upset over an animal. He's a part of my heart though, and it's been a rough couple of days without him.
So please, put some of your good wishes in a bubble and send them our way.
And, to my Tigie;

I know how much you love the cold baby boy, but Mommy loves you. So, come home and eat. Then you can go play again.

Love,
Your crying human

Buried...

I'm sorry. I seem to have lost my mind. Have you seen it? My sanity maybe? No? OK...well, do you think I could borrow yours?
Thanksgiving is over, Christmas is looming, I've got projects piling up left and right that I either don't want to deal with, or I can't deal with, or I'm waiting for the proper go-ahead to deal with..I'd really enjoy putting a match to the thing but I'm afraid I'd set the state on fire. It's that much crap.

Kids have school pageants that require costumes. (Here's an idea..Tell me at HALLOWEEN that my child is going to be a stuffed animal in the play! His teacher hates me.) Turkey #1 needs to be an elf. And, she's like OCD or some shit. She expects perfection. I expect miracles. Somehow, it's going to even out.

I also have a secret project that I've been covertly working on (since last Christmas) that is finally coming to the results stage. Those freakin' results require me to buckle down and do the work, and it's not easy work. I'm immersing myself in my own personal hell all for the sake of what? I'm not sure yet. Maybe nothing. Haha.

I miss you all. I promise I'm slogging through though. If I don't get some of this crap done, the bills won't be paid. The kids refuse to get jobs so I guess it's up to me. Dammit.

Anyway, if you don't hear from me before 2009 please contact the authorities. There's a good chance I'm buried under piles of paperwork, laundry, sewing projects, & notebooks. It might require the jaws of life.

PS. Candy Cane Oreo's are the cure to all that is bad in life. I just had one, and my world is now perfection. Now, I'm going to have 24 more.