.......didn't you?
Friday, October 10, 2008
MTV
Jekyll & Hyde
Yesterday, as I was breezing through my day with naught a care in the world (hehehe) I got an email from the X.
X: "Hey can you call me please? It's really important"
Queen Mommy: "Nope. Sorry. Only have email at the moment as my phone is on the fritz...whats up?"
X: "It's too much to write. Just call when you can"
QM: "You ok?"
X "Yes"
So, a few hours later, I gave him a call. He did this "hold on, hold on" routine where I could hear him scrambling in the midst of the barracks to get somewhere private to talk. I'm almost positive I heard a joke directed at him about his current sex life, which sounded quite optimistic for him!
He finally gets somewhere semi-quiet and this is what he had to say,
"Um, I don't remember what I needed to talk to you about...(insert much hemming & hawing here)...oh yea, do you think you could meet me halfway between there and here in a couple weeks so I can see Corrina? I'll pay for your gas and a hotel room for the weekend. No cute stuff...we'll get two beds"
What? You haven't so much as asked about her in 5 months. Now you want me to drive for 6 hours with a child who doesn't even know who you are anymore? You're insane man. Go back to the bar...have another drink.
I should have said that. Instead I said that I would think about it.
Of course, as with everything else in my life, this isn't an easy decision. If I go, I take the risk of leaving with a broken heart. Not because I have expectations, those have been gone for some time. But, because I don't want to feel what I felt before I left him. I don't want that ache in my chest that makes it difficult to breathe. I don't want to cry all the way back home because I know my marriage is over. I've already been through that. I cried for 12 of a 13 hour trip. Basically, if I wasn't stopped at a gas station or rest stop...I was bawling. Why do it to myself again?
Well, here's why. The kid. This man and I created her together. She has a right to know him. To love him, and maybe she can help him.
Maybe she can't. Maybe this is all BS, and he's going to bail in a week or two anyway. Maybe I'm getting all discombobulated and screwy in the head for no reason.
But, what if he puts her in his car and drives away? What rights to I have? None. At least, none that will get her back immediately. If that's his plan, then I'm willing to bet there are already plane tickets purchased to get him to PA as fast as he can. And, yes...there is an airport in the town he wants to meet in.
My Mom wants me to go...but, take my Dad.
I sent him an email asking if he would prefer to fly into DF-Dub...I can pick him up from there and he can stay at my house for the weekend. That way, he has no vehicle to take off with her in, and his only ride back to the airport would be me or a $60 taxi-cab (which would be hella easy to stop if he tried to run with the kid...suckers have dispatch. So do cops.)
I didn't get much sleep last night for thinking about this. Totally threw me for a loop. I hate loops.
X: "Hey can you call me please? It's really important"
Queen Mommy: "Nope. Sorry. Only have email at the moment as my phone is on the fritz...whats up?"
X: "It's too much to write. Just call when you can"
QM: "You ok?"
X "Yes"
So, a few hours later, I gave him a call. He did this "hold on, hold on" routine where I could hear him scrambling in the midst of the barracks to get somewhere private to talk. I'm almost positive I heard a joke directed at him about his current sex life, which sounded quite optimistic for him!
He finally gets somewhere semi-quiet and this is what he had to say,
"Um, I don't remember what I needed to talk to you about...(insert much hemming & hawing here)...oh yea, do you think you could meet me halfway between there and here in a couple weeks so I can see Corrina? I'll pay for your gas and a hotel room for the weekend. No cute stuff...we'll get two beds"
What? You haven't so much as asked about her in 5 months. Now you want me to drive for 6 hours with a child who doesn't even know who you are anymore? You're insane man. Go back to the bar...have another drink.
I should have said that. Instead I said that I would think about it.
Of course, as with everything else in my life, this isn't an easy decision. If I go, I take the risk of leaving with a broken heart. Not because I have expectations, those have been gone for some time. But, because I don't want to feel what I felt before I left him. I don't want that ache in my chest that makes it difficult to breathe. I don't want to cry all the way back home because I know my marriage is over. I've already been through that. I cried for 12 of a 13 hour trip. Basically, if I wasn't stopped at a gas station or rest stop...I was bawling. Why do it to myself again?
Well, here's why. The kid. This man and I created her together. She has a right to know him. To love him, and maybe she can help him.
Maybe she can't. Maybe this is all BS, and he's going to bail in a week or two anyway. Maybe I'm getting all discombobulated and screwy in the head for no reason.
But, what if he puts her in his car and drives away? What rights to I have? None. At least, none that will get her back immediately. If that's his plan, then I'm willing to bet there are already plane tickets purchased to get him to PA as fast as he can. And, yes...there is an airport in the town he wants to meet in.
My Mom wants me to go...but, take my Dad.
I sent him an email asking if he would prefer to fly into DF-Dub...I can pick him up from there and he can stay at my house for the weekend. That way, he has no vehicle to take off with her in, and his only ride back to the airport would be me or a $60 taxi-cab (which would be hella easy to stop if he tried to run with the kid...suckers have dispatch. So do cops.)
I didn't get much sleep last night for thinking about this. Totally threw me for a loop. I hate loops.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The season for change...
I don't want to mess with whatever powers that may be out there tweaking things here & there to make my life a bit easier. So, I'm hesitant to take a deep breath and accept that things may actually be taking a turn for the better.
But, I think they are.
It seems like each day is bringing more and more good news, positive reinforcements, and opportunities for me to better our lives.
Last night I got the news that a chunk of cash that's been "missing" since June, will be arriving on my doorstep in 3 weeks.
As you know if you've been following along, I just chose to split my time between my home here in DF-Dub and the business my Grandfather, Mother, & Father run in Oklahoma.
For that, I'll need something a bit more efficient than the 1995 Buick Skylark I was able to purchase after my husband ceased payment on the 2007 Mitsubishi Gallant that he agreed to pay in lieu of child support. (Let me condense a really long story; I sold my paid off nice mini-van, bought him a motorcycle and caught up on his car payments when he got behind last year, I had no vehicle and no choice but to agree with him & got severely screwed. Never trust an X)
Anywhooo, This chunk of cash that's coming is going to purchase a car that will make the 5 hour trip to Mommy's house without fear of it falling apart while I motor down the freeway. I am not kidding. It's also going to purchase a TomTom or something to go in the new(er) car. Cause, I have been so damn lost since the Skylark had the audacity to come without navigation.
Could I get screwed and this money never show up? Yep. Might it show up and be a significant amount less than I expect? Absolutely. It's coming from the X. My expectations are very low. However, this money is also money that he cannot claim he didn't receive, or he receives less than what we expect. The amount was known almost a year ago, and while he may try and pull something shady...he's got to know that we will eventually be going to court, and that he will be required then to provide all the cash he's jilted from me since I left him. (The amount is staggering, and would make your jaw drop. Especially considering all of his needs are paid for through the military, and his paychecks are just fun money to him.)
I keep good documentation, in the hopes that someday, someone will require him to explain his rationale. I don't even care so much about the money. I've made it this far... I want an explanation as to how he could do it to his child. I pray for a court psychiatrist to be appointed, and for that psychiatrist to finally see what I see. The man has no emotions. Unless he's on a high of some kind, he feels nothing.
This isn't about the X though. This is about me and making it. If he comes through without trying to one-up me, or make me literally pay for leaving him again, we're going to be better than ok sooner than I'd hoped. (Not sooner than I'd planned, because this shit should've been done a loooooong time ago)
Saturday is my birthday. I'm asking all my bloggy friends to send up a little prayer that all the little details behind this cash go well. That nothing interferes and we're able to purchase a vehicle that I can place my baby seat in without a twist in my tummy telling me the thing isn't safe.
I'm also asking that each of you drink some nice wine, or open a beer, or knock back a Jagerbomb for me. At least one. Maybe ten. Or fifteen. Don't go overboard though! ;-)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Poli-ticks
You know what? I just deleted a post that I spent an hour and a half typing because it doesn't need to be out there.
Writing out what I liked and disliked about each candidate and reading it myself, made me realize that I'm not sure who I want to vote for. I thought I knew, but a conversation between a Grandfather and his Grandson this morning, made me doubt myself. The funny thing is, what I heard only made me more staunch in my choice at first. But, I came home and in the course of writing...did some fact checking.
Not only was I wrong, but the Grandfather was telling his Grandson lots of things that weren't true at all. Was it because he didn't do his fact checking? Probably. But, the kid didn't know that. And, neither did I. I saw this man, who was speaking about his service in Vietnam, and how his generation did things differently, and I simply believed that he knew what he was talking about. That he wouldn't spout off information that he didn't know to be true.
My mind isn't changed~yet. I think I'll still vote for the candidate that I've believed in all along. But, I'm beginning to wonder how many things that have helped form my decision are really true. If you knew me, you'd be shocked to know that I just admitted that. Jen-nay, they haven't gotten me...don't worry. But there's a light..way up there~ See it? No? Sonofabeatch. Maybe they have gotten me.
Not much longer. I've got lots more fact checking to do...
Writing out what I liked and disliked about each candidate and reading it myself, made me realize that I'm not sure who I want to vote for. I thought I knew, but a conversation between a Grandfather and his Grandson this morning, made me doubt myself. The funny thing is, what I heard only made me more staunch in my choice at first. But, I came home and in the course of writing...did some fact checking.
Not only was I wrong, but the Grandfather was telling his Grandson lots of things that weren't true at all. Was it because he didn't do his fact checking? Probably. But, the kid didn't know that. And, neither did I. I saw this man, who was speaking about his service in Vietnam, and how his generation did things differently, and I simply believed that he knew what he was talking about. That he wouldn't spout off information that he didn't know to be true.
My mind isn't changed~yet. I think I'll still vote for the candidate that I've believed in all along. But, I'm beginning to wonder how many things that have helped form my decision are really true. If you knew me, you'd be shocked to know that I just admitted that. Jen-nay, they haven't gotten me...don't worry. But there's a light..way up there~ See it? No? Sonofabeatch. Maybe they have gotten me.
Not much longer. I've got lots more fact checking to do...
Torture
OK. Give. Her. Back.
It's been 3 days. I need my baby. I'm not cool with this anymore. I know she's having a great time chasing turtle's (Tuk? Where go Tuk?), and splashing in the River with her Pawpaw and bestfrienemy. But, uh...please?
It's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too quiet out here. There isn't anyone demanding to watch Diego on the computer even though there's a perfectly good 42" television in the next room. There's no one to remind me 467 times a day that the "boobus" is coming to bring "Bubba."
No-one asking for food then throwing a temper tantrum when I make her eat. No-one slathering herself with make-up products then washing herself off with my favorite silk shirt. No-one to put each morsel of dog food into the water bowl so it's softened enough to eat.
The worst part? No kisses, no hugs, nobody climbing into the chair behind me and tickling me on the neck. No-one sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night and forcing me to cuddle with her dirty, stinky, dirt-trodden woobie.
*Sigh*
How many more days 'till this torture is over?
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